My eldest was eight years old. My journey to seek God's face on a daily basis had just begun. It was a struggle then to find the path and stay on it. I strained to hear the Spirit's voice. Even more, I fought Him. I didn't want to hear what He had to say. He kept pointing out stuff…stuff I didn’t want to see…stuff HE insisted on changing in me. The changes were painfully slow. It was like turning the Titanic! But, I knew if we didn't get this ship turned around we were all going down. The marriage would not survive.

I argued a lot with God back then. This time I couldn't argue. I KNEW He was right. For perhaps the first time I obeyed immediately and my family was changed forever. (Did I tell you we have three children?)

We were sitting at the dinner table. My daughter violated one of my CARDINAL RULES FOR FAMILY DINING: Don’t reach across the table! She knocked over her tea glass sending the sticky, sweet liquid EVERYWHERE! Let the sermonizing begin!

I jumped from the table swooping up MY glass to rescue it from the melee. Everyone was scrambling to get towels to stem the “flow.” I, on the other hand, launched into one of my (all-too-familiar) tirades about keeping Dad’s rules.

Then,I heard Him clearly. His voice from deep inside me.

“You’re a jerk! Look at what you are doing to your child over spilled tea! Drop yours!”

“What?”

“DROP YOUR GLASS! I SAID, DROP IT! NOW!”

My daughter's tears were gushing and I was midstream "unloading" on her as this conversation took place in my soul. I obediently placed my glass on the edge of the counter and observed its slow descent to the kitchen floor. Everything became slow motion. Only then did I notice my wife. She was diving for the glass in an attempt to save her husband’s dignity. She didn't make it. The crash returned everything to full speed.

I stopped the sermon to begin the apology to my daughter.

“Honey, I am SO sorry. I was wrong to fuss at you. See, even Daddy makes mistakes.”

From that day when things went "crash" in our home, my youngest child always was first to exclaim,

“It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes.”

Naturally Dad would follow with,

“Clean it up.”

The children were still young and at home. We had this gorgeous white Spitz dog who LOVED fresh cow pies. (We live on a cattle ranch.) When we were away, he roamed the pastures to find the biggest piles to roll in. Cow dung, to this fancy canine, was a beautiful thing.

Upon our return home, Snowy would race across the fields to meet us and bound up to the van door (always on my wife's side). Her reaction was predictable.

"Come here Snowy baby. Mama loves you...OH, MY! Snowy...DOWN! Get down! Go away! Go on, DOG!...He's done it again."

One of these occasions I chose for an object lesson...for the children.

We arrived home from church in our Sunday best. Snowy greeted us with his worst. I jumped out and scooped him up, rubbed, loved, hugged and petted him. I was covered in his shhhh...stuff.

My children were shocked, my wife aghast! They exclaimed in four-part harmony,

"DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YUKKY!"

I put Snowy down, turned to them and said seriously,

"Listen, one day you're going to grow up and leave. You're going out into the world. Always remember, no matter how much CRAP you get on you. You can always come home."

Whew! I can nearly get overcome just thinking about it. It started with this spiritual high. I had been to New England and spent three wonderful days outside Boston with my nephew and several other believers. We were so filled with the Spirit. We missed our flight back. After a few days at home I had this urge to leave my family and do nothing but tell others about Jesus! The Spirit was so strong on me. Satan was there.

I got arrogant. I started feeling "above" everyone, privileged. I remember thinking deep inside,

Me: "God, this must be what you feel like. I want to know more. I want to feel what you feel. I want to know what you know."

It poured. I collapsed on the floor between the kitchen and the living room...a mass of blubbering flesh. My soul screamed,

Me: "Oh please, God, you have to stop this. Take it off. I'm dying. I'm really dying. My heart is going to explode! Stop, please stop!"

God: "You want to know, know! You want to feel, feel! You asked!"

Me: "I know! Stop! Please take it off. I can't stand it! Father, stop. I don't want to know anymore. I don't want to know anything. Please, please stop."

It stopped...the pain, the deepest pain...and sadness, overwhelming sadness. He allowed me to know and feel a little of how He grieves over this place...because of the rebellion...the sin...the arrogance. What He allowed me to experience was miniscule compared to Jesus in His garden, on His cross. You see, a human heart can't handle His pain. Jesus' heart didn't. Me? Well, I was useless for about a year. No good to God, no good to family, no good to anyone. He was proving to me that the world doesn't need me. The world needs Him.

His heart still breaks.

I am often asked, "How do you distinguish the voices deep within?" An excellent question. My quickest answer is, "Fruit! I watch what results when I follow each impression placed on my heart." I had to "learn to discern."

John, the Gospel writer, says in Chapter 13 that at the last supper the devil "had already put into the heart of Judas Iscariot" to betray Jesus. In the same way good impressions are placed on my heart by God, Satan enters. What results is plainly visible in my life...either fruit of the Spirit or works of the flesh.

Maturity is determined by whether or not good fruit is present and increasing. Do I have more joy, peace, and love today than I did this time last year? If so, God gets the glory. Without Him, I can do nothing. This is clearly explained in John 15.

When I feel my peace and my joy leaving, I know that I am no longer listening to God. That's when I turn immediately and start, once again, seeking the face of God. I don't want to live like that anymore. Been there, done that, not going back.

The desires of my flesh no longer enslave me. Hey, I'm human. I still have problems. I am no longer ENSLAVED to them. There are things I cannot defeat with my will alone. I need SUPERNATURAL help. With God present in me, I don't have to listen to my flesh or to Satan. This is explained in Romans 7 and 8. Pay close attention to the contrast here in the two voices, flesh and Spirit:

"Because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you...the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh...for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God."

Which voice is which? Look at the crop! LOL! You don't get watermelon from pumpkin seed! HA!

Okay, I know this is my second post today. I can't help myself! I have so much joy. No explanation for it. I keep wondering how I ever lived without this. And, the fact that I chose to do so, is hilarious! You have to see the humor in this!

There is only one thing worse than ignorance...willful ignorance! HA!

The first time I ever experienced pure joy is still etched in my brain. I could take you to the very spot on the highway where it happened as I returned from work one day. All of a sudden...BOOM! Inexpressible joy! Immediately, these thoughts came from within...somewhere deep inside:

Me: "Where did that come from? Was I doing something to cause it? Was it a song I was listening to? It had to be a thought I was thinking...no, that can't be it. I want that back!"

God: "It's a gift."

Me: "A gift?"

God: "Yes, a gift. You've been obedient to me. You've been listening to me and I wanted to give you something to show I love you. Don't make the mistake of thinking you earned it. You can't earn this. It's a gift. And, don't try to pay me for it. That would offend me. Just stay obedient to me and I will give you more. Oh, by the way, I'm proud of you. I love you."

***speechless***