We all have inherent strengths and weaknesses. Our battles differ as individuals. One person fights anxiety and depression while another works hard to stay committed in long-term relationships. This doesn’t mean one is better than other, just different.

We also have inherent strengths. One person relates well with people while another relates better to tasks and systems. The relational person succeeds in sales while the task-oriented individual succeeds in accounting. It takes all kinds of persons to make a successful congregation or society.

These differences (innate strengths and weaknesses) can become flashpoints in relationships. A successful relationship learns to appreciate them and make full use of the strengths to improve the relationship. A successful relationship also learns to recognize and consider each other’s weaknesses. We should not have to fight our individual battles alone.

The problem is that we tend to hide our weaknesses from each other instead of confessing them. In churches (and in private) most Christians find it difficult to be vulnerable. This is not good. We cannot hold each other accountable if we are unwilling to reveal areas where we are weak. An army, congregation, or family is only as strong as its weakest member! We need honesty for accountability in loving relationships. We also need it for protection against our common enemy. We cannot achieve improvement unless we first recognize areas we need to improve.

Couples that have similar weaknesses may be blind in the same eye. That’s why it is important to get outside, unbiased help with problems as they arise. Couples who are more opposite can help one another. Where one is weak, the other may be strong. These “opposites attract” couples do not always appreciate the differences. What intrigued them about the other person initially (while dating) often becomes the source of great conflict later. You hear statements like: “Why are you like that? You are so weird!”

It is important to discover and appreciate our different strengths and weaknesses. It is equally important to support each other rather than criticize and belittle when weaknesses are confessed. The physical body (and spiritual Body of Christ) is made up of many different members. Each has a role to play. The hand should not say to eye, “I do not need you!” We need each other.

We also need to be more considerate of one another.

Heated discussions and arguments are part of a healthy relationship. No relationship is without an occasional conflict. Sometimes a mere disagreement escalates into an outright fight. If there is no occasional quarrel then someone is most likely holding back. That’s not good. Loving relationships demand loving arguments. The point of a good fight is to communicate effectively and learn to fight fairly while maintaining love and respect for all involved.

It helps to set some “rules of engagement” before the war begins! Then, stick to the rules and keep it fair. I recommend agreeing to not go to bed angry; to take a walk or go to dinner to discuss things quietly; and, stay home if the argument requires loud expressions. Also, agree to get mediation from an objective person or couple trained in marital counseling (or mediation) for conflicts you cannot resolve “in house”. NEVER discuss your disagreements with family members or close friends! They will tend to take your side. (Would you expect them to do differently?) You need objectivity.

The most effective way to argue fairly is to stay on subject. Belittling the other person is a diversion maneuver. Threatening to walk out is also a diversion tactic designed to control! Don't call names, don’t get into the blame game or drag the kids into the argument — there are no winners in these situations. Refrain from dragging out the ol' “slop bucket” of past hurts and grievances. Most use these when they are losing the argument! The point isn’t to win an argument. The point is to effectively communicate, resolve the conflict, and remain friends. So stay on target!

Many couples need a vocabulary list while fighting. A list of descriptive terms is helpful. Carefully and purposefully choosing correct words will help you best describe your true feelings. Don’t exaggerate for impact! Use the list of positive terms (by degree) and negative terms (by degree). This helps slow the argument down as well as improve accuracy.

When the argument gets overheated, take a break. This will keep the conversation from digressing to the irrational. After both have cooled down, ask: "How can we resolve this? Let's really talk about how we feel and how we can fix it. If we can’t resolve this, then let’s agree to get help."

Lastly, remember to move some arguments behind closed doors especially if you’re arguing about the children. If you choose to argue in front of the children then make up in front of the children. No matter how old the children are, they need to know it's all right to fight fairly toward a mutually beneficial resolution. With older children, you may even choose to involve them in the discussion as you reach a settlement, a compromise, a solution, or an agreement to disagree. But, the most important part is to allow them to see you affectionately nurture each other through the conflict resolution process. Nothing will help them more than to see loving persons sincerely and passionately disagree, achieve resolution, and make up.

Now, to your corners and come out fighting…fairly…lovingly! LOL!

Holy and Righteous Heavenly Father, we praise you for the good and blessedness that you are, that you bring to our lives and relationships. We praise you for the purity and blessing of your joy, for your peace! We thank you for your Presence through the Holy Spirit freely given. We thank you for your unconditional love. We ask that you extend your Presence to every soul who visits this blog. We implore you to fill each room, each house, and each heart. Reveal yourself to them as never before. Let not the enemy remove the seed you plant here. We thank you for its success and we glorify you for all the good you are doing through this small effort to enrich each other. Especially do we thank you for those who have come seeking you. We ask that you keep all of us humble and seeking. Keep us from evil. Help us convey and comprehend more fully the length, width, height, and depth of your love. Keep us gentle and loving. Hold us close. Draw us near. In the end, bring us home. In Jesus' Precious and Lovely Name.

Control used to be an issue with me. I had this very strong will. I didn’t like anyone telling me what to do. Approached with a demand, I would tend to do the opposite just to prove I could do as I pleased! I was a very difficult child to rear. I would even hold my breath, turn blue, and pass out just to prove to my mother she couldn’t make me breathe. LOL!

To be out of control was one of my worst fears. It was one of the reasons that I never did the alcohol and drug scene. I didn’t want to run the risk of losing control.

I also learned early to control my temper. I once lost it and nearly hurt my brother badly. I learned to laugh my way out of conflicts. I didn’t want to hurt anyone again.

After being married for a few years, my wife and I decided to seek marital counseling for some unresolved conflicts. I remember our first visit clearly. Here’s how the conversation went,

Counselor, to my wife: “So, what does he do with his anger?”

Wife: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen him angry.”

Counselor, to me: “So, what do you do with your anger?”

Me: “I’ve learned to control it. I was always afraid I’d hurt someone if I lost control.”

Counselor: “Don’t you have stomach trouble?”

Me: “Yes.”

Counselor: “Well, that’s what you do with your anger. Now, why do you want to take everything out on your stomach?”

Recognizing and expressing my anger properly helped me maintain control until I finally decided to give up all control.

The reality is that I was never actually in control of anything. It was a delusion. It took a “tornado” in my life to convince me that I was not in control. Then I had to admit that I really had no control over myself, much less anyone else! Without supernatural help, I was powerless to defeat my addiction to power. It would take years to learn that the self-control I desired was actually a by-product of giving all my control over to God; that self-control was a fruit of the Spirit. I had to “let go and let God.” Doing so saves me and my other relationships a lot of grief!

The problem with assuming control over others is two-fold: they become dependent on you for everything, and, while you may get credit for their successes, you have to also assume blame for their failures. They never accept responsibility for their actions. So, it was best for both me and my wife to give it up and mutually agree to submit our will to God. He always works in our best interest. It may not always be pleasant, but he does always know best!

“Dear Lord, thank you for being in control. Thank you for always working for my best interest, even when it is unpleasant for me. Thank you for your Holy Spirit that gives me comfort, conviction, and counsel. Help me trust you more. Help me trust you are good even when things go badly for me here. Help me submit more fully to your will for my life. Help me listen more closely to your direction, and obey. Help me allow others to make their own choices, celebrate their own victories, and suffer their own consequences. Help me know how best to react when those closest to me choose to do wrong. Give me wisdom and power to do right even if the whole world should forsake you. In the name of Jesus I humbly submit this petition and myself…again.”

Fibber McGee and Molly was an American radio classic. Before the age of television, families gathered around a radio for evening entertainment. Fibber characters were warm and (mostly) rowdy but very family-friendly. Their “down-home” corn humor would probably still work well today. The program was an early forerunner to modern situation comedies.

Radio shows used a creative mix of sounds to place visuals in the listener’s mind. Fibber was one of the most visual of shows. Listeners got a clear mental picture of just how big the McGee home was, even down to what kind of furniture was in the living room.

Fibber had this bit where he opened a hall closet and a ton of junk poured out. You could picture each piece as it hit the floor. It is one of the most recognized bits from the show. The closet worked well. Everyone identified with Fibber's closet.

There is a closet inside each of us. We pray no one opens it. We don’t even like to think about all the junk stored away in there. This closet exists in our soul, deep down in our heart. It’s the last door we let the Lord in.

I kept my closet padlocked for years even after I became a Christian. I didn’t want to give over that one area of my life to him. Everytime he asked me, “What’s in here?” I simply refused to answer.

Christians ask, “When does the supernatural joy and peace come that you always talk about? I go to church. I fast and pray regularly. I’ve read the whole Bible! I quit drinking, cheating, and even cussing! I feel better about myself. So,when do I get the supernatural peace and joy?” I usually respond with,

“Well, I don’t know about you, but for me there was this one door.” That’s all I have to say. They know I’m talking about Fibber’s closet.