Could your people-pleasing side be constantly at odds with your independent side? Could this be the major cause of internal strife and some external strife? Let me explain.

You have a great need to serve and please others. Wonderful! You also have a need to be your own person, at times. Equally wonderful! Yet, you are constantly torn between the two. Your frustration with close relations comes because your “significant others” do not know where to draw the line. They do not know when they've "crossed the line" with you. THEY do not know because YOU do not yet know. Am I making any sense?

You must discover that "line". When you clearly define it for yourself, then you can clearly define it for others.

You need to reserve some time, energy, and money for yourself. Keep some back. It isn't selfish. Insist upon it! These significant others can fend for themselves while you take time off from serving. (Unless they are newborns and, if so, get a babysitter!) They aren’t helpless. If your significant others can’t go a day without you, your relationship isn’t healthy anyway! Are you getting the picture? The world will keep going one day without you to hold it up!

Maybe you want to be a doormat in specific areas. That’s fine. YOU decide what YOU can and are willing and able to do. You also decide when you’ve had enough! Discover the line and draw it! Here’s the kicker.

Once you draw it, you MUST defend it...EVERY TIME! Don't let anyone (not even your people-pleasing side) compromise your line! If you constantly move it, when others start whining and complaining about it being there, then it was useless to draw it in the first place. Because it means nothing. Allow your strong side to defend all necessary lines! DEMAND that others respect your lines!

No border or boundary is appreciated and respected that is not well defended. (There's your solution to the immigration problem!)

Appropriate borders, boundaries and limitations constantly define us to others and to ourselves. We are nothing without them. We get to define all lines that define US. God through the Holy Spirit keeps us from being too selfish. That's the Spirit's job. So, don't worry about being too tough with your lines. (If you are a true Christian who is listening closely to God.)

Listen more closely to God than you do to anyone else. Including yourself! NEVER compromise who you are in the Lord.

As a counselor, I hate these three words. There is no way to kill a session quicker than to answer every question with these words. If you don't know, how can you explain it to anyone else? How can you think about it? How can you pray specifically about it?

Maybe what you really mean is, “I haven’t given it much thought.” That’s fine. Just say that!

One of the most powerful weapons in Satan’s arsenal is ignorance. If he can cloud our thinking, or cause us to question our sanity, he has us. There is no greater ignorance than willful ignorance because these chains are voluntary!

So, give it some thought. Think through each emotion. Define it. Pray for wisdom and supernatural insight. Consider it seriously. Examine it thoughtfully and prayerfully. Strive to know. Stay aware of what is going on in you. Stay aware of what's going around you especially your relationships.

Stay vigilant. The Devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. You are easy prey if you are unsuspecting, naïve or ignorant!

Keep your wits about you. And, keep the Lord very near! He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world.

God has gifted women with wonderful insight. They see things, especially in relationships, that escape us. Admit it, guys. Females notice details better than most of us! They know instinctively things about which we don't have a clue!

If you want a closer relationship with a female, especially if she loves the Lord more than you, listen to her! Listen closely to what she has to say. Just because she takes a circuitous route in telling you doesn't mean it isn't important! Stay with her. There's a point. She just wants you to enjoy the trip with her in getting to it! STOP DISMISSING HER SO FLIPPANTLY! AND, STOP MAKING HER FEEL STUPID OR GUILTY FOR BRINGING IT UP!

Also, just because she brings it up doesn't mean you have to fix it! And, it isn't a personal affront to your manhood! So, drop the defensive posturing. It isn't impressive. Listening, now that's impressive! Get over yourself! Wake up to the fact that she knows what she is talking about when it comes to relationships, caring and nuturing others.

Forgive us, ladies. Most of us don't have a clue about what it takes to please you. You're going to have to fill us in...again! Let us in on the secret! Don't expect us to guess! We don't do hints well! We need straight up! Chances are you told us a hundred times, but make it a hundred and one. (Ok, hundred and two.)

Forgive us for being men! Especially forgive us for not being GENTLEmen. We're not all jerks. Some of us really want to learn how to be and do better.

I was reared to be polite. I was reared to respect adults and those in authority over me. I was taught to say, “Yes ma’am” and “No ma’am.” I was taught to say, “please” and “thank you.” I was taught to remove my hat in a building and in the presence of a woman. I was taught common respect and courtesy.

There were six of us children, four boys and two girls. Dad worked all the time so Mom had to have us under control when she went out to visit or run to the grocery store. She insisted on our best behavior in public! If not, Dad would remedy the situation when he came home that night. We straightened up immediately. We much preferred her whippings to Dad's, any day! Dad whipped hard! But, his beatings never left us scarred (inside or outside)! Merely scared! They put the fear of God in us!

There is one occasion still in my memory that was often typical when we visited a home. It was right after church one Sunday evening that we had gone to this home where there were no children. Dad went into the kitchen to play dominoes. Mom sat in the living room to visit with the lady of the house. We were lined up on the couch and told not to move. We sat there obediently, quietly.

It wasn’t long that the lady became uncomfortable with our situation. (Note that WE were not uncomfortable. SHE was uncomfortable! Interesting.)

The lady finally asked mother, “Can I get the children something to eat, drink or play with?”

“No, they’re fine,” Mom said and continued visiting. The lady tried again.

“Well, could I at least turn on the television for them to watch?” she begged.

“Sure, that’ll fine. But, they’re really okay.” Mom insisted.

We watched television until we fell asleep on each other’s shoulders.

Some today call this child abuse. It was actually training in self-discipline, respect and courtesy. It pains me today to see young mothers who can go nowhere in public with their children. They are constantly yelling at their kids and children yelling back at them when often only a swift swat in the seat of the pants would fix the situation with no words necessary.

The goal of all discipline should be self-discipline. All discipline is unpleasant while it is being administered but, afterwards, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness, respect for others and self-respect.

It was an old-fashioned meat counter in a small neighborhood grocery store. We specialized in personal and friendly service. I was seventeen and occasionally worked behind the counter as a butcher. The head butcher was a particularly likeable man. He was the absolute professional. He treated everyone courteously and professionally no matter how rude some customers were to him.

We had this one particular customer that fascinated me. He was the consummate grumpy old man. Every employee in the store dreaded waiting on him. He complained about everyone and everything. He cursed the service, the out-of-stock items, and the freshness of the produce. He swept through the store like a tornado! Everyone was upset by the time he exited the front door. One of the check-out ladies would either be crying or cursing.

This day, at the meat counter, he was complaining, cursing and barking his meat order to the head butcher. In the middle of one of his particularly loud tirades, I looked up at him. I stared at him and he winked at me! In the middle of a fit of rage, he winked! I kept staring at him. I couldn't believe he winked. Then, he gave me a half-smile. That smile convinced me! I knew immediately what was really going on with this old man.

It was an act! The old man was acting angry and upset. This was how he chose to interact with others in public. It was the mask he had chosen to wear. It was how he wanted to be known in this little town. Maybe it was the only way he knew how to relate. Regardless, he seemed to enjoy every minute of it. So, I decided to disarm him and throw him off his game. The next time he came in I was ready.

He came in as usual. I could hear him up front raging as usual. He came down the produce aisle right for the meat counter. He stopped at the counter and started in on how badly the meat looked in our display. I just smiled at him. No matter what he said or his volume, I smiled. He was totally disarmed. In a short time, we were conversing normally. From then on, his demeanor changed around me in my department. Sometimes, he was downright pleasant. After that, I looked forward to his visits.

The other employees didn’t understand. I tried to convince them to treat him differently. They wouldn’t listen. I was seventeen! What did I know? I knew that I expected him to be nice and he was. I knew that they expected him to be angry and upset so he was. He gave each person exactly what they expected.

I think some persons live down or up to our expectations. We should expect more. We should expect better behavior. We should insist that inappropriate behavior is unacceptable around us regardless how they may choose to act around others! We can refuse to relate their way!

Not that we can change anyone, but we do have the right to set the rules for how we choose to allow others to relate to us.

I sort of miss the old guy.